I am kicking myself so hard right now

This is not a post I wanted to write. This is a post, in fact, that I hoped I’d never have to write. But, due to my… stupidity? Arrogance? Thoughtlessness? Complacency? I’ve ended up pissed off at myself and depressed. These three photos pretty much sum up why:

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My Fehu necklace as it was when it arrived. Photo by Beth Wodandis.

 

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Some of the abuse it suffered on site, which is why I bought it and why I wear it. One of the things Freyja wants me to work on is my self-esteem, so I wear this necklace in Her honour to help remind myself that even on site, in my work gear, covered in mud/dust/sweat/rain/whatever, I occasionally look can be am still pretty.
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What it looks like now.

Yep, my Freyja-dedicated Fehu necklace that Beth made snapped at work today. It’s pretty much been my worst nightmare since I noticed the elastic beading cord was starting to lose some of its spoing, but I’d always thought that if it were to snap it would be when I was putting it on or taking it off, when the cord was at maximum stretch. I’d even said to myself and a couple of friends that ‘I really hope it doesn’t just break at work, ’cause I’d never be able to find all the beads if that happened!’, but oh look – it snapped at work and I’ve lost around a third of the beads.

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but I can remember finding out – I was kneeling down by the side of the grave I was planning and taking my Buff (stretchy neckwarmer headwrap tube thingy) off from around my neck to turn it into the way it needs to be to keep my ears warm, when I looked down at my clipboard that was on the ground in front of me and thought ‘why is there a bead on it?’. There was then a couple of seconds of my brain processing this before OH SHIT kicked in and my hand flew to my neck where the necklace should be. Purely by accident (or possibly accidentally on purpose if a certain Vanic-related Someone had a hand in it) the length of the choker meant the rune pendant sat just at the base of my throat, and over the last seven months I’ve often sat rubbing the pendant between my thumb and forefinger while contemplating paperwork or stratigraphy. So I knew immediately that my worst nightmare for this necklace had happened and it had snapped. At work. Scattering the beads everywhere.

Thankfully just under half of it was still on the string and draped across my left shoulder, otherwise I’d have lost even more than I did. Although it was short enough to sit just above my work t-shirts so it showed, occasionally it would be on the outside, occasionally the inside of the collar, and I had on my purple fleece and army surplus shirt, so the beads could have fallen anywhere between the layers. I found a handful of beads as I carefully undid where the shirt was knotted around my waist, one on the ground behind me when I gently shook the shirt out, and I found the pendant underneath my clipboard. I was hoping desperately that I’d got all the beads, but when I found one on the flood of the cabin/office/welfare unit I began to worry that some of them had got caught up in my clothing and fallen out somewhere on site which meant my chances of finding them were negligibly miniscule. It’s a big area, it’s all sand, gravel, and dust, the beads are small to tiny, and as the natural is reddish-orange gravel I’d be damn lucky to spot any that had fallen elsewhere than where I was working. The same is doubly true if I want to go looking tomorrow, what with the rain, the wind, and the fact that I’d had to clean back the area I’d been working in for the photo so any missed beads that were there are somewhere in the spoil heap now. So that’s around a third of the beads just gone.

So why am I kicking myself so hard for something that’s pure accident? Because I knew the elastic was going. Because I’d already asked Beth if she’d mind restringing it for me along with my Yggdrasil beads that broke before she retired from jewellery making. Because I’d already dedicated and consecrated a replacement for when my Fehu necklace got sent away. Because I didn’t manage to get it wrapped and packed this weekend just gone and was going to do it next weekend. Because while the temporary replacement is lovely and was bought because it had a very Freyja feel about it I didn’t want to stop wearing my Fehu necklace that I’d had round my neck five days out of seven for the last seven months. Because I’m an idiot. So yeah, something that was entirely preventable has happened, leaving me upset and angry, and it’s my own bloody fault. Go me…

I was going to write up my Harvest celebration post tonight, and make a start on the long list of draft posts that I’ve been meaning to write for literally months (I is awesome procrastinatrix), but instead I’m going to eat an entire bag of Cadbury’s Mixed Buttons and then do something to try and take my mind off the fact that I’m a stupid git.

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2 thoughts on “I am kicking myself so hard right now

  1. Oh I’m so sorry! Losing a favorite devotional item of any kind feels just terrible. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. I can’t tell you how many necklaces and rosaries I’ve broken over the years. They break because they are well used and well loved, and that is always better than something lasting for years and years because it sat untouched in a box somewhere. Devotion is a living thing, and the tools of our devotion reflect being part of that life! *big hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I don’t mind so much that my Fehu broke, but that I lost as much of it as I did. But I’m working with Beth to get it restrung on silk which has helped make me feel like less of an idiot who can’t take care of her things.
      I’m just so lucky that when the bail of the cross I’d worn every day for sixteen years started to erode that I caught it in time. Losing that would have been utterly heartbreaking, and I still haven’t been able to get it fixed. It was only a really cheap one from Claire’s Accessories that a friend had bought me, so when another friend tried to fix it by adding a blob of solder to the wafer thin part it melted. Turns out it wasn’t silver metal coated copper, but silver metal and copper coated lead. I’m hoping to find a way of fixing it someday, so I can go back to wearing my cross, triquetra, and pentacle charm necklace once more rather than keeping it in a box in my pocket.

      Liked by 2 people

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