Sermon review: Different perspectives, and the Kindom of God

So, yesterday I went to church. Kind of an obvious statement to make, what with me being semi-Christian and all, but the truth is I very rarely go these days. There are many reasons for my lapse in religious observances, ranging from not being at home at weekends (visiting friends, attending a LARP event, at a re-enactment, etc.), not having time at weekends (when I was working up in Lincoln I had to be packed and out the house by 4pm at the latest in order to get back to my accommodation with enough time to eat, unpack, and get enough sleep – yay 6am starts…), and yes, I admit it, laziness. Now Methodist services aren’t that long – the standard is about an hour – and my church starts at 11, but when you add in the socialising afterwards (because community is a major part of belonging to a church and I have several friends there) and the walk there and back, that’s nearly three hours. I don’t mind going to church, and when I do I’ve nearly always enjoyed it or at least got something out of it, but when my Sunday ends early or I’ve been out or up late Saturday night, the idea of setting an alarm or taking three hours out of what little time I have to spend in my flat makes going to church a lower priority than it probably should be. So yeah, something of a noteworthy event.

Another difference is that yesterday I had to go. Granted, no one held a gun to my head, but if I didn’t go my mother would have made my life hell. It’s not that I minded going, more the fact that she’d gone on and on and on about how I had to be there ever since this date had been arranged. Back when I nearly died my parents stayed in Lincoln the whole time I was in hospital, and had a terrible time of it, especially when I was under sedation. The local Methodist minister gave them a lot of support (me, not so much, but then the two times I did see him I was incredibly spaced out), and after I got better and was transferred to London they started to arrange for him to come down and do a service at our church. Now when Mum first mentioned this to me it was billed as a service for thanksgiving for my life, which is a lovely idea, and also something I was never ever going to be at because, thankful as I am to still be here, it would have been hideously embarrassing for me to sit there while everyone else sings and prays and listens about how wonderful it is that God saved my life. So I told her I didn’t want to go, which went down really well… Eventually, much to my relief, the service was changed to a normal one from a visiting preacher, which I had no objections attending, but that hasn’t stopped her from somewhat aggressively reminding me that I need to keep the 5th free because I need to be at church around three times a fortnight for the last two months. I love my mother, but…

Annoying as the lead-up was, the service itself was lovely. He started off by explaining that while he was a Methodist minister he’d also been ordained as an Anglican canon in the Cathedral, as a result of which he spent a lot of time driving around Lincolnshire visiting farms and food businesses. Now Linconshire is a large county (North Americans may laugh/scoff/snigger now), taking about two hours to drive north to south, with a very varied landscape. Most people outside of the county think of Lincolnshire as flat, but the Fens only make up maybe a third of it, with rolling hills elsewhere. and I can testify from personal experience that Steep Hill in Lincoln is aptly named, and not an exaggeration – the gradient is about 14%. So as he’s driving around doing canonical duties, he sees a lot of broad and beautiful landscapes. He then went on to talk about how some words have been cut from dictionaries like the OED Junior one, words like ‘willow’ and ‘bluebell’ and ‘wren’, with the reasoning apparently being that the exclusion of these and the inclusion of words like ‘internet’ and ‘iPhone’ are more relevant to children today. So if dictionaries are narrowing the view of natural landscapes to fit in with today’s world, is the view of our spiritual landscape narrowing as well? He then made the point, very eloquently, that we as both individual members of the church and as the church community as a whole have to change with the times. While we may be nostalgic for the way things were run in the 1940s, or 50s, 60s, 70s, or even 80s, those times are gone and are never coming back. The world has changed and the Church has to change with it or get left behind. Which, whether he realised it or not, is a problem my church keeps running into. We have a lot of older members (older as in the same generation as my grandparents) who are very set in their ways, which is fine, apart from when it discourages visitors or new members from coming back, or even arriving in the first place. On fundraising or events committees when someone suggests an idea they’ll say that we tried that and it didn’t work, or when someone new comes for a service and sits down, they are told ‘you can’t sit there, that’s So-and-so’s seat’. Ok, yes, we all tend to sit in the same place in the same pews – just as when I was at uni we ended up sitting in the same seats all term that we sat in for the first lecture. But our church is fairly big, and nowhere near anything like capacity on a normal Sunday – whoever normally sits there can easily sit elsewhere, even one pew up or down if they want. Unless of course they’re as hidebound as the person telling the newcomer to move, which is, of course, a wonderful way to make sure that person never comes back and tells everyone who asks that our church is unfriendly and unwelcoming. Not what we need when we’re trying to attract new members. And as for the ‘we did that once, it didn’t work, no point doing it again’ response to ideas for ways to raise money for things like new boilers, or redoing the disabled toilet so it complies with new legislation? There are several people who, like my parents, have been members of my church for over thirty years and don’t remember this event, and for good reason – when questioned, these hidebound naysayers say that this was back in the Fifties. So yeah, keep a broad view and remember that institutions need to change with the changes in society and the world in general, otherwise they will become obsolete, dwindle, and die off. That’s not to say you can’t keep traditions and customs and heritage going – far from it. But if the British Army had kept wearing red coats, or Oxford and Cambridge universities had refused to accept women, or the Methodist Church insisted all its members had to be teetotallers, they wouldn’t have survived. /minor rant

The second part of the sermon involved the idea of different perspectives. The reading we had was Luke 9:51-62, which is a notoriously difficult Bible passage to wrap your head around. The first part’s easy enough, written under the heading of ‘Samaritan Opposition’ in the NIV version of the Bible (often referred to as the Nearly Inevitable Version, as it’s the one most commonly found in Protestant churches, in the UK at least). It’s the lead-up to the events surrounding the Passion and Crucifixion, and Jesus is on his way to Jerusalem with his disciples. He sends a couple on ahead to get things ready, and they go into a Samaritan village. The Samaritans and the Jews did not get on well, to put it mildly (which is why the story of the Good Samaritan is such a shock to Jesus’ audience), and the villagers told them to sod off. When the news got back the other disciples asked ‘do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them?’ (actual quote), but Jesus, because He’s not that much of a dick, says no and goes to a different village. Not a hugely significant story, although it does show how fanatical the first disciples can be at times, but it does show that they’re all on the road which is the setting for the next, much tougher bit. As they’re walking along they meet three men – the first one says he will follow Jesus wherever He goes, to which the response is essentially ‘even animals have homes, but I don’t, so if you want to follow me then you’re not going to have a home either’. Bit tough, but then it’s not like Jesus hasn’t said before that following His teachings isn’t easy. What He says to the next two, however, is a lot harsher. He asks the second man they meet to follow Him, to which the man says sure, after I’ve held my father’s funeral. Jesus’ response? Let the dead bury the dead, you need to go proclaim the Kingdom of God. The third man says he’ll follow Jesus but wants to go say goodbye to his family before, y’know, going away for an unknown amount of time. He gets told ‘no one who puts a hand to the plough and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God’. So just ignore your families and everyone you care about, none of that matters any more. Umm… Really? Considering the amount of time spent on accepting those people that society shuns, loving thy neighbour, and generally not being an arse to your fellow humans, this seems to fly in the face of everything Jesus is generally supposed to stand for. It’s at this point that the minister asks if any of us have seen the film Dead Poets’ Society. Now I have to admit I haven’t, but a few people murmur assent. He goes on to talk about how Robin William’s character invites the students to stand on his, the teacher’s, desk in order to gain a new perspective. And this is what he wants us to do – to stand on the pews (metaphorically, due to H&S and protesting knees) and get a different, wider perspective on not just this passage, but also our spirituality and how we interact with the rest of humanity and each other. And this led on to my favourite part of the sermon – about how we should see the Kingdom of God.

Now the phrase the Kingdom of God shows up an awful lot in the Bible – whether it’s regarding the poor in spirit, the difficulties faced by rich men and camels, the proto-Lord’s Prayer, or many other examples including Luke 9:60 and 62. So the Kingdom of God is important, but, the minister argued, there is an extra letter in the word ‘kingdom’ that should be removed – the G. He argues that it shouldn’t be the Kingdom of God, which invokes ideas of hierarchy, structure, and a physical space of some kind in which to exist. Instead, we should think of it as the Kindom of God, an idea under which we are all related, close to each other and to God. When looked at it this way, that passage makes a lot more sense. So if we look at the response given to the first man, where if he wants to follow Jesus he will have no home to lay his head, we can see a different interpretation from ‘you will be a vagabond who people can and will turn away’. Instead, the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head, no burrow or nest like an animal or bird has, because He doesn’t need one – animals are territorial, always competing against members of their own species for resources and therefore needing a safe refuge. But in the Kindom of God we don’t need to have a bolt-hole handy, we don’t need our own territory, because kin supports kin. Similar to the passage about how God clothes the lilies of the field and feeds the birds of the air, even though they don’t ‘work or spin’. The same goes for letting the dead bury their own and not looking back – if you cling to the past and the way things were, if you refuse to drop the things that no longer have an impact or relevance to your life, you won’t be able to fully accept your place in the kindom, where you will need to make new connections to the people around you, who will help shape your present and your future. It’s another parable, like the woman with ten coins or the vine with bad fruit.

Kindom of God doesn’t just mean ‘family’ either. When talking of one’s kindred, it implies a group of people closer than mere family. A ‘kindred spirit’ is someone who is so incredibly close that you and they are almost interchangeable, similar to the idea of a soulmate. This idea goes back a long way – take the Latin word paterfamilias, the head of the household. The literal translation is ‘father of the family’, but the paterfamilias rules over not just those who are related to him by blood or marriage, but also the slaves. In Early Modern English usage (think Elizabethan and/or Shakespeare) when someone writes about their family, they’re using the word in its Latinate sense – that of one’s household servants. When talking about biological family they used the word kindred, and it is this past usage of kin and kindred that has come down to us as meaning ‘closer than family’, who, much as we may love them, are still randomly assigned to us rather than people we deliberately choose to be with. Compare best friend with sibling, or spouse with in-laws. So in the Kindom of God we have this very close connection with each other, with God, and the world around us. Sounds wonderful, right? One problem – the kindom includes other people, and other people are really difficult to get along with. The school bully, that really annoying co-worker, the guy who cut you up in traffic on the way into work, a lot of politicians, internet trolls… It’s still a tough thing to make happen, this kindom, but then so is always loving your neighbour, or always doing what God, or any deity to be fair (Freyja, I’m looking at you…), wants us to do as opposed to what we want or would prefer to do. But if we work very, very hard at it, we could, as a species, make it happen. Or at the very least make it more of a reality than it currently is. And that was the take-home message the minister wanted us to have – look at things from a different perspective, take a wider view of the landscape, and think of the Kindom of God rather than the Kingdom. Substitute your deity of choice or ‘the gods’ for ‘God’ and the message is not so different from the teachings of many Pagan paths – and still tough to do. Frith in Heathenry, trying to make sure all your choices and activities honestly harm none (or do as little harm as possible) in Wicca, and loving thy neighbour in Christianity. It’s hard, we don’t always want to do it, we won’t get recognition for it most of the time, but we can make it happen. And, if everyone on the planet put in just a little bit more effort into forging a kindom, I believe we’d see a fairly big difference overall. So put your hands to the plough, don’t look back at all the bad things that have happened in the past, let the dead bury the dead, and go out and proclaim the kindom of your god or gods, or of humanity. It won’t be easy, and you might need to stand on your desk to do it, but I believe it’s worth trying.


I’ve got my sewing machine back!

She’s been over at the parents’ since I moved, mostly because Mum’s 70s vintage Husqvarna is still broken so she used mine, and partly because I hadn’t worked out where she was going to live in my flat. I still haven’t figured that out yet, so I’ll be stepping round her in my bedroom for a while, but I don’t really care.

So pretty, and so heavy!

She’s a Singer 128K from 1923, ‘born’ sometime after June 27th, and has been in the family for at least three generations, maybe four. Me, my mother, and my maternal grandmother have all ‘owned’ her, and it’s possible my great-grandmother did as well, although I have no idea when she arrived in my family. It’s even possible we had her from new, but as any reciept has long since disappeared I’ll never know. So why bring her home today, seeing as I’ve nowhere to put her yet? Partly because not having a working sewing machine in the house may actually make Mum get hers fixed (it’s not worked for literally years now), but mostly because I went to visit my friend Charlie this weekend and got to see her newly aquired 28K, the older sister to my 128.

I’ve been meaning to get mine back for a while so I can start quilting, which is one of the things that reading The Last Runaway has inspired me to do. I’m planning on making a purple patchwork one to start with for yoga/meditation – one that I can use in savasana to stop getting chilled and also fold up to use with my zafu instead of a zabuton. I also bought a flannel blanket/quilt kit from Hobbycraft for my goddaughter’s Christmas present, so I’ll be practicing my piecing on the kit (precut squares and simple design for the win), then making up my yoga quilt top, practicing quilting on that, and then quilting Abi’s – hopefully with fewer or no mistakes! I’ve got a few other quilt plans in the pipeline as well, but I’ll start with those two and see how I get on.

I’m also going to be making Kizzy some pattern weights for Christmas, as I found some great multi-coloured owl fabric fat quarters in Hobbycraft a while ago and Kizzy’s patron goddess Athena is all about the owls, along with crafting and weaving. Pattern weights seemed appropriate. And at some point I’m going to be making some skirts out of the fabric I snagged when Kizzy was clearing out her sewing room – cotton single bedsheets in pale blue, green, two slightly different shades of red, and brown. The brown I can use as a toile or test piece, and then use it for larp if it doesn’t got too wrong, the blue I can adapt to use in Little Woodham next year (planning on using elasticated waistbands which won’t work in the 1600s, and the blue has a few holes in it – good for re-enactment, bad for everyday wear), and the rest for wearing and feeling pretty in. I like long skirts as they make me feel feminine, which my workwear certainly doesn’t, but I only have three I can really wear outside of parties and Sidmouth Folk Festival, and two of those are very much summer skirts – thin, floaty, and translucent when the sun’s behind me. And another plus is red and green are two of what I think of as ‘Freyja colours’, along with gold and dark pink.

As for why I’ve been referring to my sewing machine as ‘she’ throughout this post, I’m blaming Charlie for that as well – she names her sewing machines, and they’re all female. I’m considering calling mine Frigg.

Back view

Fighting apathy

I’ve reached the stage of ‘not having to go to work’ where all my ‘free time to do things’ enthusiasm has waned. Granted, I’m still getting fatigued a lot easier than I used to and the breathlessness isn’t helping any, but I had enough energy to tidy my bedroom floor so I should have enough energy to sort out my desk and the cupboard in my bedroom as well as write emails, last posts on AT, and posts for here (I have a stupidly huge backlog of those). So while I may have the energy I just can’t bring myself to do much. I’m trying, and things like the washing up and food shopping are getting done, along with small things like phoning the GP for an appointment, but I find myself putting off the bigger tasks like writing emails and sorting through things.
Not necessarily bigger as in huge/will take a lot of time, but more things that are harder to do or that I don’t want to do – sorting my bedroom cupboard for instance.

Yarn stash, fabric stash, clothes, miscellaneous bags of stuff… There’s a reason I keep the door shut.

Unfortunately, the apathy extends into my spiritual life as well. That’s not to say that I’m completely ignoring it like I am the cupboard, but I’m only really managing the little things – daily prayers, finding something to be grateful for each day – and not managing the bigger things. Grounding for instance. Before I got ill I was getting really good at grounding – I was doing it every day and I had three different visualisations I could use that I was getting pretty good at. But then I got ill, and grounding just wasn’t happening while I was in hospital, even the last couple of weeks I was in rehab when my brain and body were mostly working like they’re supposed to. Since I’ve been discharged I’ve tried to ground every day, but the times when I’ve been able to are far outweighed by the times I either haven’t been able to or haven’t bothered. Part of it is I’m just out of practice and part of it is probably because I’m usually trying to do this just before I go to bed, but even today when I was at the park near my flat I found it hard. I spent a while standing on the riverbank with my hand on a horse chestnut tree trying to ground through the tree (which I’ve had success with in the past), but while I could visualize the green Earth energy inside the trunk I couldn’t connect to it.

I’m not sure how much of my apathy and procrastination is due to the muggy heat and the fatigue that comes from walking a couple of miles in it most days (part of my ongoing recovery), how much is due to the feeling I’ve got a load of time still left as I have no idea when I’ll be signed off as fit to work again, and how much is me not having enough structure in my days. I’ve got some – I’m getting up at eight and (mostly) in bed by 11, lunch and dinner happen at the same times as when I’m at work, and I’m usually out walking between 2 and 5pm, but that’s about it. So one thing on my to-do list, which I haven’t done yet because ugh, effort, is to write up a daily schedule with a mini to-do list for each hour I’m awake. I’m not going to follow it slavishly as that way not only madness lies but also the inability to have flexibility when friends come round; but I think knowing that for example 10-11am is when I do housework or 9-10pm is when I write emails and having timers set on my phone will help me get things done. And hopefully getting things done and ticking them off my daily and general to-do lists will get me out of the doldrums I appear to be in.

I’d love to be able to go back to work as I really miss being on site, and it would also mean that I’m healthy again with working lungs and a normal heartbeat, and my old strength back. But I have to admit there’s a part of me that wants to be signed off for longer, which I try to justify as ‘well that way I’d definitely have enough time to do all the things I’ve been meaning to do for ages’, but which I have a feeling is just my brain going ‘be lazy longer’. Because brains hate you being proactive.

Here’s hoping a new week will help me make a newish start, beginning with more grounding practice! Because right now I feel the way these rabbits I saw in the park today look:

Apathy bunnies.

I am in a state of shock

Aeclectic Tarot Forum is shutting down.

This news has shocked me, and made me sad and upset as well. I’ve been a member of this forum since May 2007, and for ten years it’s helped me learn and grow as a tarot reader. It’s one of my internet homes, and now I won’t be able to live there any more.

I got an email today notifying me of a new PM, and as I so rarely get messages on AT I went to have a look. It was from one of the members,  just a regular member – not a mod or administrator, giving me a heads-up that the site was shutting down. Now while there’s a banner across the top of the forum announcing the closure I don’t go on AT every day, and week if not months can go by without me visiting, so if it wasn’t for that PM I may have missed the deadline of the 14th of this month. I will be forever grateful to missy for that.

Now the site’s not going away completely, thank the gods; the main Aeclectic site with details and reviews of decks will carry on as normal, and the forum will still exist, but it will be frozen – no new posts, no login ability, that sort of thing. And you have no idea how grateful I am for that – the forum has seventeen years’ worth of accumulated knowledge on all aspects of tarot and oracle use, as well as other divination methods, and the thought of all of it disappearing scared me no end. After all, I’ve had to live through that once already when the old Magicka School forum shut down; as far as I can tell none of it was archived anywhere, as the new forum attached to the school was a completely fresh slate, I can’t find it on the Wayback Machine, and after the changeover none of the other students could find any of the information either. There was so much magical and spiritual knowledge on that forum, and I really wish it was still available.

The vast majority of AT will still be there though, only a few of the forums will be locked as private after the shutdown. So tomorrow I will be copying all the threads I started or posted in in the reading forums, and also writing those posts that have been on my to-do list for a few weeks. It’s not like there was any urgency in posting after all, the site wasn’t going anywhere…

And I’m going to say some goodbyes as well. While I spent more time lurking than posting there are several users who helped me along my tarot journey through their contributions, and I want to thank them while I still have the chance. I don’t know where exactly I’ll go after the 14th, as there are several other forums out there, some started recently by AT members, just none (as far as I know) with as large a membership as AT or as long and rich a history.

I still can’t quite believe it. There may well be tears when it finally sinks in.

Midsummer already?

I know this particular Sabbat always sneaks up on me, but after losing two months of my life in hospital the longest day has appeared even faster than it usually does. I haven’t done much to celebrate this year, despite the fact that being signed off from work means I’ve had time to plan, organise, and arrange something. Partly due to the sneakiness, but mostly to do with the heat and trying to get other stuff done. Oh, and partly procrastination – lying on the sofa reading a new book is very time-absorbing. Although it does deal with the conflict between Summer and Winter and is set around Midsummer’s Day, so I can at least claim that Summer Knight is relevant reading.

I’ve just finished my ritual celebrations, somewhat late in the day I know, but although it’s dark now there was still daylight in the sky when I began. I say ritual, but there was very little to it. As ever, what I did was based on the Pagan Dreams Litha celebration kit but a much abridged version because a) tired b) hot. My bedroom’s quite large, but when you’ve got nine candles on the go in weather like this you want to spend as little time sitting next to them as possible. I didn’t rush through things or cut corners, I just did less in circle than I would have done otherwise. I lit my altar and Deity candles, cast circle as usual, lit the quarter candles and the greyish votive I poured for my Imbolc ritual, read the poem on the ritual sheet, captured the last of the daylight in the citrine, listened to the guided meditation, and then shut everything down. No incense, salt, water, herbs, or anything. Not great, but it’s the longest I’ve concentrated on anything spiritual since getting ill in April so I’m quite proud of that. Ok, yes, I’ve been to church since then as well, but it’s a lot easier to concentrate in the morning and when the heat isn’t draped over you like a slightly damp blanket. I was getting quite good at visualisation before I hit A&E, but I am sorely out of practice now making the meditation twice as hard to do, as I couldn’t close my eyes during it either. I say couldn’t, I could have, but I wasn’t going to with that many candles lit. The votives and tealights in their holders probably would have been fine, but there was no way I was going to be able to shut my eyes for twenty-five minutes with two lit taper candles.

I don’t feel too bad about it though, as it was lovely to be able to sit at my altar again and I’d kinda done most of my celebrating earlier in the day. The past week or so we’ve had really hot weather (for the UK) with temperatures in the high twenties/low thirties. Now I am not good with the heat – I blame the fact I was born on the Winter Solstice – and whenever it gets really hot it also gets humid. If it was a dry heat I might feel better, but when it’s muggy like this you just feel sweaty all the time, even when you haven’t been doing anything strenuous. It’s just unpleasant. However, the weather isn’t allowed to get in the way of my convalescence so this afternoon my parents and I went for a walk with my godfather. He lives near the Thames at Windsor, and the heat was still very noticeable, but easier to bear by the river where we were walking. There were also a lot of trees shading the path, so in between the shade and dappled shade which cooled me off I was able to bask in the sunny patches as I walked through them, feeling the heat of the Solstice sun soaking into my skin and enjoying being out in it before the nights start closing in. Granted, we’re (hopefully) going to get a lot more hot and sunny (but preferably slightly less hot) weather over the next couple of months, but there is something in the knowledge that this is where the dark half of the year begins that makes me appreciate the sun that little bit more.

There were also loads of dragonflies darting all over the place and landing on the grass and plants either side of the path. The ones I saw most commonly were about an inch and a half long, and a gorgeous deep electric blue. They were even flitting about the graveyard we walked through on our loop back to my godfather’s house, which was quite a way from the river. Dragonflies are one of the animals associated with Freyja, and seeing so many of them (roughly one every ten to twenty paces) made me feel closer to Her. Walking through the cemetery also gave me the chance to say my prayers for the dead which brought back memories of the last site I was on – the area I was on before I got ill was full of skeles so I was saying dead prayers every day, and the weather was warm and sunny then as well. That period of time was an enjoyable one, and I still miss being around the guys in my work team and my housemates. I made some good friends on that site. All in all, a very enjoyable Solstice day.

Convalescing sucks

So, I was discharged from hospital Wednesday last week, much to my relief. Yes, I needed the rehab, but after I spent last weekend at home on weekend leave I realised I was seriously suffering from cabin fever – I spent a lot of each day walking up and down the ward and corridors, couldn’t settle to read, and pretty much counted the hours to visiting time and bedtime when I could escape for a while. But I’m out now, and all that is behind me. I’m also back in my flat, as by the time I left I was mobile and independent enough to live on my own rather than at the parents’. I’ve still got follow-up appointments to attend and I’m getting outpatient physio, but I’m on the home stretch to being back to where I was before I got ill.

So why the suckage? Aside from I’m being paid ESA rather than wages. Yes, I get to stay in bed longer, I have a lot of time to do the things I’ve been avoiding unable to do while I was working – sorting my boxes of paperwork and dealing with the boxes of random stuff in my bedroom that I haven’t unpacked since the move – as well as stuff like start on the quilt I’m going to be making, finish the spring cleaning, catch up on my blog reading, post more here, get back into my spirituality, read my pile of To Read books… The list goes on. And as I’m signed off from work for two months I don’t even have to worry about looking for work, which part of my brain keeps thinking I need to do. But frankly I’d rather be getting up at 6am again and going to work up in town like I should have been doing before I got ill.

Part of that is because I’m still a lot weaker and get fatigued easily, but a lot of it is also looking at the boxes of stuff and the piles of crap in my room (there are areas of my life where I am not organised, my bedroom floor being one of them) and whining ‘do I have to?’ at myself. Yes, yes I do. And not just because I’ve got Kizzy and her old flatmate visiting for several days next weekend and they need somewhere to sleep, or because even if I moved the alcohol collection off my desk I still wouldn’t be able to use it because the footwell’s packed with stuff, but because the reason I haven’t dealt with that stuff yet is because I was working during the day and therefore tired during the evening, and at weekends I was either busy seeing friends or similar, or wanting to rest and self-care for a couple of days. I just didn’t have the time.

Well now I have the time, and my friends are providing the pressure I need to actually get me started. Another of the things I’ve been meaning to do during my convalescence is seriously do more to enrich my spiritual life – meditate, spend more time at my altar, carry on with my 366 project, use my tarot decks, make use of my prayer bead collection – partly because I want to, partly because it should mean that when I’m back working I’ll have a foundation of daily practice that I can (hopefully) build on when I start work again that won’t just disappear when things get hectic, but also because I need to. I have had so many kicks up the arse from my Deities over the past few days it’s getting ridiculous, and a lot of it has been through the content of the books I’ve read recently. So from the religious discussions taking place in C. J. Sansom’s novel Lamentation to the descriptions of magic in the Dresden Files series, to wanting to reread the All Souls’ trilogy next I’ve got both God and Freyja poking me to, y’know, actually get off my arse and start doing things again. Planning is all very well, and I’m good at planning what I’m going to do, but it’s the starting of it that I’ve never been very good at. Take (somewhat embarrassingly) most of my uni essays for example – I could write up the plan of what I was going to write, I could go through all the books and pull out quotes to use in my essay, and I would put off and put off actually sitting down and starting to write. Once I’d got about 500 words in I was fine, and could write for hours at a stretch, but it was that avoidance of first beginning that meant I was usually writing for hours at a stretch due to pulling all-nighters with said essays being due in the following day. I was a terrible student sometimes.
So, another reason to tidy my bedroom – my copies of Methodist Worship and Wicca: A Year and a Day are buried somewhere in there.

I’m alive, thankfully

At least this time I’ve got a reason for not posting for ages that isn’t me being lazy or tired. Back at the beginning of April I got a cold, and after a few days my breathing got bad enough I went to A&E where I was admitted with a severe chest infection that turned out to be double pneumonia.

That was Friday 7th, and by the next day I was in ICU as my body had (through sheer inexplicable bad luck) very rapidly gone through septicaemia to sepsis and then septic shock. I spent two weeks in intensive care, most of it sedated, and for the first few days of that it was touch and go whether I’d actually live through it. Once you get to septic shock there’s a mortality rate of 25-50% with treatment, and the two steps after that are multiple organ failure and death.

Thankfully I lived, spent two weeks in a respiratory ward, and have now spent another two in a rehab ward back in London as I lost a stone of muscle in ICU and as a result couldn’t stand, let alone walk, when the sedation wore off. I’m slowly building my muscles back up and gaining the ability to do things like pick stuff up off the floor, but it’s going to take months before I’m back to normal, and even longer until I’m fit to go back to work.

I’m currently on weekend leave from the hospital, which means I have access to my computer which the parents have been looking after for me, hence this post. Next weekend I’m hoping to stay over at home rather than the parents’ place, and then I hopefully get discharged the weekend after that. So yeah – not dead, not on fire. Literally.

[EDIT]: Turns out I did, in fact, have multiple organ failure. While I was in hospital I was told I had septic shock, which I assumed was the worst my body had gone through, which is what sent me to ICU. It was only when I read through my copy of my discharge notes that I realised I’d gone to the ‘more than one of your internal organs will decide to pack up’ stage.